No One Is Self-Made
The Value in Community From My Own Experience
previously published on substackI have never believed in the statement of being self-made. No matter who you are or what you've achieved, you did not do it alone. There may have been moments where you felt like you were alone or you felt like you didn't have support, but if you sit and think, there was someone, whether they were present in a way that you thought they needed to be present or not, that was a part of your community. When I think of community, I think about the sacrifices that we have to make in order to ensure that everyone is good. I hear a lot of talk about prioritizing yourself and how you can't show up for others if you're not showing up for yourself, but I truly believe that in order to show up for yourself, you also have to be true to yourself and your community at the same time. If I am suffering, that means that my community is suffering, and for me, in order to find peace and solitude, both myself and my community must be flourishing.
As a Black femme, community has always been important to me. I did not have a very traditional upbringing. I experienced abandonment, abuse, and neglect at a very young age. I experienced the murder of my father at 5, and I experienced the abandonment of my mother by the age of 9. I moved around a lot, and I live with a lot of different family members, and I found myself often feeling very alone and different from all of my cousins and other people that were in my life. Although I felt motherless and fatherless for most of my life, I can say that my community outside of my family really showed up for me in a way that nourished me and reminded me that I belong here. I was lucky enough to spend most of my childhood in a city where I had a lot of Black women as teachers, and those teachers saw something in me and understood my situation was out of my control. Because of this, they made an effort to really encourage me and push me forward to be a part of activities and different programs that I may not have done otherwise. Although my situation was very volatile and not ideal for a young Black girl growing up in an urban city, I can honestly say that I had a lot of really enjoyable experiences outside of the home, especially in the schoolhouse.
So, for me, my first experience with community was in school. School was always a safe space for me, and I always found myself feeling as if I had maternal figures in these spaces that truly cared about me and valued my opinions. I felt like my outlook on the world and my ideas were accepted in these spaces and that I was able to really explore who I was as a young Black girl. I began to find community within different social groups that I became a part of, whether that was my all Black Girl Scout troop, taking dance classes at Pine Camp, joining the jazz band, being on the step-team, or just being a part of different summer programs for low-income kids. By being able to participate in these activities, I was able to meet other black girls like myself and create lifelong friendships. I was able to experience sisterhood and a sense of belonging.
As I got older, I made sure that community was a pillar and foundation for everything that I did. Without my community, I would not be here. And that's just me being blunt. For me, I believe that community is crucial to our success, and I'm not just talking about career; I'm talking about our success as people and our success in finding joy. As a black person, the world is fucked up, and as a Black woman or femme, it's even more fucked up, so being able to have community is a gentle reminder that you are not alone in this world and that there is purpose.
I believe that it can be difficult to find community, but it is possible. I don't have all the answers, and I don't have a cheat sheet for how to build the best community. What I can say is that showing up as your authentic self in spaces where it may be scary or it may not be acceptable is a way for your people to find you and for you to find your people.
I make sure that I show up for people in any way that I can. I cannot say that every person with whom I've been in community has had a pleasant experience with me. I am human, and there have been times when I may not have agreed with some choices of those in my community, and I have spoken up about it, and it may have caused some distance, but at the end of the day, if they need something and I have it, they have it.
I know that individualism is really important to a lot of people right now, and in my opinion, I feel like that's toxic. Because like I said earlier, no one is self-made, and you cannot exist in this world healthy, successful, experiencing moments of joy, and have any type of longevity if you don't have community. You may be reading this and thinking that I'm talking out of my ass or that I am being, you know, one of those “toxic positivity people” about community, but I am not. Like I said, community is not always easy to find, but it is possible. Again, you have to be willing to sacrifice for your community.
What are you willing to do to show up for others that may cause you discomfort? I'm not telling you to go against your morals or values, but what I am saying is, if someone in your community is in need, and that means that you may have to go without something that is not necessarily a necessity, are you willing to help that person? If you have a resource that you know could benefit someone else, are you willing to share it with them even though you may not know them on a personal level? Are you afraid to share information widely so others are able to grow and learn, and experience happiness? Community is crucial to our everyday being. Community is foundational to life, and it is foundational to Blackness. I truly believe that to feel firm and confident in your Blackness means to feel firm and confident in your ability to build community as you go through life.
Not all black people are the same, and some people may not be
”your people,” and that is okay, but that does not mean that you cannot find ways to create community with others. I'm not friends with every Black person I meet, but if I have a resource that I know will be helpful for them and I have a way to get it to them, I'm going to give it to them. I'm not going to try to be their friend or make amends if we have an issue (that is another conversation for another day), but I am going to consider them a part of my extended community.
I know I can't live this life alone, and I know that I don't want to live this life alone because I know what it feels like to wake up and experience true loneliness and uncertainty about who is going to protect you when shit hits the fan. I don't want that for you. So I hope that my words resonate, and I hope that it gives you a moment to reflect on who you're in community with and who you are accountable to. Because we all need each other, we all need somebody, and we are ALL accountable to somebody.