I am not hard to work with...you just don't like that I refuse to make myself small for you.

previously published on substack

I have always been a person who advocated for others, and advocating for myself has always been difficult. Because of this, I have found myself in many situations, whether it be in my academic career, my social relationships, and also just my career, where I have been singled out as a problem. When you are someone who refuses to be silenced, refuses to be a ‘yes man’, and refuses to just follow along with things that you know are not right, you do become a target.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the last seven months about my experiences in academia and also in my career. I've come to terms with the fact that I am not everyone's cup of tea, and I have also come to terms with the fact that the way that I handle situations may make others uncomfortable. I'm never disrespectful, I never berate people, and I do not intend to make people feel less than when we are having conversations that may be tense but because I am straightforward, confident, and sure of myself I have been treated very differently than others in situations where I have stood up for myself finally.

Being a leader is something that is mastered over time, and it is something that you have to continuously learn how to be better at. Some people are natural-born leaders, and some people learn how to lead over time. I'm a natural-born leader, but because I always have a thirst for knowledge, I am always trying to find better ways to lead and also better ways to work within a team. Due to this, I have found myself bumping heads with leadership in other organizations and spaces because I stand up for others, stand up for myself, and I refuse to allow others to create hostile environments at the expense of other people.

I have been dealing with extreme hurt and pain at the way I've been treated in certain spaces, and in order for me to heal through this, I have had to allow myself to feel my full range of emotions. My coping tools were not doing their job, and I had to realize that maybe I don't need to be using coping tools, maybe I just need to allow myself to feel all of my feelings. I have felt ostracized, singled out, misunderstood, and treated poorly by people that I trusted and people that I thought had my best interest at heart. I realize now that I experienced these things because I am outspoken, sure of myself, and because I bring ideas to the table that may challenge the vision that other people have for their organization or academic setting.

I don't do this to make others feel inferior or to make others feel as if they are incapable of doing their job. I do this because I believe that sharing ideas and being collaborative is the best way to grow as a group and to create new innovative opportunities. But because of my big ideas, my “big mouth”, and my desire to really want to have deep conversations that sometimes require challenging people, I have found myself often misunderstood in a lot of spaces.

I don't think people are jealous of others like me and I don't think that they are always intentionally setting out to make us feel small or to quiet us but I do think that there needs to be a larger conversation about allowing people, especially Black women and femmes, to be able to show up as their full selves in the workspace and in academia… even if that means that we are going to share ideas that may not be traditional, challenge authority, and ask to be treated with respect.

I still have a lot of reflecting to do, but what I will say is that through talking to my loved ones, therapy, getting advice from mentors and people I admire, and doing a lot of self-work, I realize that I am a strong personality with a lot of educational power. I know that I am always learning and growing. I am aware that I can be intense and passionate about my ideas and about advocating for the rights of myself and others. I'm also aware that I am supposed to be a leader and that there are going to be many more instances where I will be in spaces where leadership does not want to give me the space to lead and grow as a leader.

But I refuse to be silent, I refuse to be made to feel as if I am inadequate, ill-equipped, emotionally unstable, or hard to work with. I know that I belong in these spaces, I know I have a lot to offer, and I know that I will continue to meet people who see me for who I am and appreciate what I bring to the world.

I hope that if this resonated with you and if you are someone who is like me that you feel seen, heard, and that you understand that you are exactly who you think you are and that is okay. You are brave, courageous, and being outspoken, having a “big mouth”, and big ideas, does not make you a bad person. You deserve to be in these spaces, your ideas are valuable, and there are people in this world who will value you and appreciate what you have to offer.